That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I look better un-naked...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
