I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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