Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Be still, my beating vagina.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
