whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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