i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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