I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
