I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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