I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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