why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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