yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
