i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
