You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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