we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
