I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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