i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
So squirting runs in the family.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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