I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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