The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
operation have a gay friend backfired
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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