pedialite and red bull = repair kit
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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