i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
