I accidentally had phone sex last night
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
