I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My vagina just recognized that song.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
