you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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