Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
