Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
