the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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