as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
