I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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