Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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