my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
