I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
