you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
