worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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