Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize