I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
