I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
