Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
