I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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