Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
