He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
