please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
