There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
