How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
