I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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