I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The beer is more important than you right now.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
