i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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