Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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