I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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