if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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