dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
