Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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