Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
