I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize