Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize