They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
