I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize