i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
