I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
