When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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