I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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