Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Also, beer. Big fan.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
