i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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