So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
