Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
