I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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