I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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