I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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